Take It Out On The Husband Day

It was Take It Out On The Husband Day at our house recently. 

As the father of a boy with autism, I have come to understand that there are times when the stress of parenting a child with special needs can build up so much that you feel like exploding. And so, sometimes you do. At the person nearest you. Like, The Husband.

Last week was one of those times.

The build-up

Raising a child on the autism spectrum is kind of like riding a roller coaster; it is full of ups and downs, with many thrills, and leaves you feeling a bit dazed by the end of the day. While the high moments are glorious, the down times are tough. 

Last week, my wife and I had been battling change-of-season colds.  We had been sick and feeling tired. We were miserable and very grouchy. We were less patient. Unfortunately, patience is the one thing you need most as the parent of an autistic child.

Into this mix, it has been a particularly difficult time with our son. He had several major incidents at school. He used threatening language. He had been unsafe. Day after day we got the dreaded reports that tell us of yet another incident.

It is particularly frustrating that we do not know the reason for his increased problems of late. Is it the medication that we have been trying lately? Is the therapy he is receiving not effective? How can we correct the situation when we don’t know why it is happening?

During times like this, it all feels hopeless, like nothing will ever make our son better. It is hard to keep in mind that we have had times like this in the past, and that good times eventually follow the bad. 

Coming to a head

Last week, after another bad day at school, my wife took Kai to his special needs karate class. 

When we first signed him up two years ago, we worried that he would never fit in. The other kids in the class were so well behaved that we could hardly believe that this was a program for children like our son.  Kai, at that time, had trouble paying attention and following directions.  

But it wasn’t too long before was able to do the exercises and kata (karate movements) along with the rest of the class. The structure and discipline that Sensei imposed had a lot to do with that.

And while we were most satisfied to see that Kai could learn in this type of group setting, we also were happy that his body strengthened and his coordination improved as well.

Lately, though, things have changed. Kai often refuses to do the activities. He sometimes talks back to Sensei. Instead of setting an example for the newer members of the class, his behavior is worse than any kid there. We have made him suffer the consequences for his poor actions, but it doesn’t seem to be making a difference. 

We can’t figure out what brought on this change. Kai doesn’t communicate well enough to tell us what he is feeling. So, we are left wondering: Is he just burned out? Is whatever that is causing the issues at school also affecting his performance here?

Regardless of the reason, it is embarrassing sitting in the stands with the other parents. Your kid is disrupting class and everyone knows it.  You feel like all eyes are on you, whether they actually are or not. You feel ashamed, as if this were all your fault.

And so it was that when my wife and son came home last week, my wife had had it. She expressed her frustrations, loudly.  And from the tone of her remarks, you might think that everything that was wrong was all because of me.

When you are on the receiving end, it is hard not to take things personally. But, I could understand where my wife was coming from.

Just a few days earlier, I reacted the same way.

I had taken Kai to his soccer game and he refused to play. When I came home that day, I vented, and my voice may have been a bit more elevated than it should have been.

If we were all perfect, we wouldn’t take things out on our spouses.  But, we are human. And so it is possible that some of you may also experience a Take It Out On The Spouse Day. 

When that happens, if you are on the receiving end, take it from someone who has been there on both sides. Try to do the thing that seems so contrary to your instincts and be extra supportive of your spouse.  

They need it.