The Boy Who Did Not Speak

Summer is a great time for gatherings with family and friends. And so it was for us this weekend when we attended a large party to celebrate our nephew’s high school graduation.

For most, these occasions are a time to kick back, relax, and have fun. But as a parent of a child with autism, I am often stressed about keeping a watchful eye on Kai. While most parents can enjoy a party while their children play with other kids, we never let Kai out of sight or wander too far away from us. He doesn’t really play with other kids, and there’s too much risk that he will get upset or break something or do something he shouldn’t.

It’s not just that. Difficulty in social situations is one of the common characteristics of autism. Kai has trouble with two-way communication and navigating the social customs that the rest of us take for granted. So we need to support him to help him socialize with others.

Learning to speak

When Kai was two and had not yet started to speak, we wondered if he ever would. Some kids with autism never do. He finally started saying one-word phrases about six months later. 

Most of his early words were simply letters and numbers, an early indication of his passions. It took a long time before he started to put a few words together into any type of a coherent phrase, and even longer before he could speak full sentences.

These days, he speaks much more freely, but mostly just to express what is on his mind. Answering questions and carrying on a conversation are still challenging for him.

But because it doesn’t seem like it’s been all that long since we thought that Kai might never be able to communicate with others, you might understand why we are thrilled any time he speaks at all.

Sometimes, though, what he says make us cringe.

"When were you born?"

For a time, Kai would not greet anyone we had over to our house. Instead, he would ask guests, “What year were you born?” 

We explained to him that some folks are sensitive about their age and may not want to tell others when they were born. I don’t think Kai understood that at all. He loves numbers and dates, and couldn't figure out how asking someone a question related to this passion could bother them. 

He eventually stopped asking, but the reasoning still perplexes him.

The first question Kai once asked his grandfather when he was over at the house was “What time are you leaving?” Kai didn’t mean to be rude, but schedules are important to him and he likes to know what time things are happening.

Another reason why big gatherings are a challenge for Kai is because the barrage of activity tends to overwhelm him. He either shrinks back into the shell of his own world or, when it all gets to be too much for him, has loud outbursts that cause us to leave.

But he has been doing better lately so we were very curious to see how he would do at this graduation party. There would be out-of-town guests that we have not seen in a long time, as well as folks we have never met.

Becoming a social butterfly

When we arrived, Kai did not hesitate to march in and see what was happening. He walked right up to the first person he saw and asked, “What is your name?” Though we had to prompt him to also introduce himself, we thought it was a better opening than his earlier inquiries.

He proceeded to go up to each person he did not know and asked them their name.  I think he even approached a few strangers who happened to be walking by on the sidewalk just beyond the backyard. 

It was amazing to see, really. The Boy Who Did Not Speak was now a social butterfly. I think he spoke to more people at the party than I did.  It showed me that his true personality is an outgoing one, and that it has only been his autism that has prevented him from socializing more. 

But at this party, he emerged, like a butterfly coming out of his cocoon, his beautiful personality hidden no longer. 

So, he had fun. We all did. 

And that gives us hope that one day, about 11 years from now, we too will have a graduation party — in his honor.