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Two Boys, One Name, New Friends

A remarkable coincidence leads to a new friendship.

She told me that she was relatively new to the area and had just discovered my articles for Patch. She said that she has twin boys, about a year older than my son. And one of her boys is also named Kai.

And her Kai also has autism.

A remarkable coincidence, don’t you think? 

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Wait, there’s more.

My wife and I met the woman and her husband for coffee one morning. It turns out that Atsuko is, like my wife, a native of Japan.  And her husband Mike, like me, grew up in the Chicago area. 

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It was as if we were meant to be together.

The challenge of making new friends

Making new friends is not something that comes easily for some parents of autistic children. For one thing, our kids require more attention than typical children so we don’t have a lot of time or energy left over for socializing.

But it’s not just that.

Normally, parents have an opportunity to form friendships with the parents of their kids’ friends. For us, it is different. For starters, children with autism don’t easily make friends. 

Autistic children usually don’t socialize well with other kids. They don’t play the way most kids play. So it’s unlikely that the neighbors’ kids will be over playing at our houses while we gab with their parents.

In addition, parents of autistic kids often feel self-conscious about our children’s behavior, even if we know that we aren’t . We tend to feel guilty if our children say or do the wrong thing. We may feel like we are being judged, whether we actually are or not.

Even when the other parents are welcoming, it can be hard. There is a lot of stress in trying to keep your child in line in someone else’s home, especially one that isn’t autism-proofed. And it can be uncomfortable when you feel like you have to explain or apologize for your child’s actions to someone who is not familiar with autism.

So, it is not surprising that most of us autism parents primarily tend to form new friendships with others who are in a similar situation.

We share a common bond. There is comfort in knowing that the other person understands your situation, that you won’t have to apologize for your child’s behavior and that you and your child will be accepted.

We felt that bond immediately with Atsuko and Mike.

The meeting of the Kais

We invited them over for dinner the other day, along with their two boys. It was to be the first time the kids would meet. Two Kais in the same house – what would that be like?

Our Kai was happy to have company. Both of the twins were happy to be here. 

Our Kai took charge. He wanted the boys to play the Mario Kart Wii game he had received for Hanukkah. He did not want to play the game himself. He just wanted to watch the boys play.

New Kai is less verbal than our Kai. But he was able to communicate his wishes pretty well with his one or two-word phrases. He wanted to be the green character, Luigi. His brother Aidan chose Mario.

Aidan is neurotypical, and you couldn’t find a better brother for a child with autism. Aidan is compassionate, patient, and understanding with his brother. And he showed those qualities with our Kai as well.

The three of them even interacted a little bit. Though mostly it was our Kai telling the other boys which courses he wanted them to race. The twins cooperated for the most part, and enjoyed whatever race our Kai had them do.

When Aidan wanted to play a different Wii game, I helped negotiate a compromise with our Kai. For the most part, the boys played by themselves. And they played together longer than most play dates we’ve set up for Kai.

It allowed us grownups to have relaxed time to get to know each other. And we enjoyed that very much.

Sometimes things seem to happen for a reason. I don’t know if I believe in fate. But I do know that there is such a thing as good fortune.

And meeting a nice family is definitely that. We are fortunate to have made new friends. Thanks, Kai.  

And you too, Kai.

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