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Community Corner

When a Dad Speaks, Does His Son Ever Hear Him?

Trying to teach a son never to quit

Over the past several weeks, my son has wanted to quit soccer, karate and piano lessons, among other things. Going back further, you could throw swim lessons in there, too.

And when he wants to quit, it is not like Kai comes to us and calmly tells us that he is getting tired of the activity or that he’d rather do something else. Instead he often makes a public spectacle.

At one of his first soccer games earlier in the fall, he became frustrated and started shouting that he wanted to go home, that he hates soccer, and that he never was going to play it again.

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I told him that he could take a break, but that he was not going to quit.  My words had no effect. He continued shouting for quite awhile and refused to go back into the game. 

I was frustrated that he would not listen to me, but while I felt like leaving, I made him stay and watch the rest of the game.

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We’ve had similar moments at home when his piano teacher comes over, and at the dojo with his karate class.

Each time, I try to empathize with him about whatever struggles he is having on that particular day, and acknowledge that it may be difficult for him.

But I also explain that if he quits, he will never overcome his difficulties.  I remind him of other activities that he wanted to quit, such as swimming, that he really hated at first, but grew to not only become competent at, but also truly enjoy.  I repeat to him that he will not quit, and tell him that if he becomes a quitter, he will never get anywhere in life.

Wondering if the message is heard

With kids who have autism, it is often difficult to tell if they have heard what you are telling them. They often do not acknowledge or respond to your message. And that is always true with Kai in these instances. 

My words never seem to have any effect on him at all. He usually continues to shout that he wants to quit.

It is not easy to deal with Kai when he is like this, and, at times, it gets to be too much for my wife. At various times she has had enough and said that we should stop the piano lessons, karate class and swim lessons. Each time I’ve implored her to continue, at least for a while. If we are to stop an activity, I want it to be on our terms, not because Kai raised a huge ruckus and said he was quitting.

This past week, Kai played piano nicely for his teacher. He gave a really good effort at his karate class. At his soccer game, he had his best game ever. He played with enthusiasm and ran up and down the field throughout the whole game.

Driving home from the game, with my father-in-law sitting next to me in the front seat, I heard Kai talking with Mom in the back seat. My wife mentioned how another boy did not participate much this week because he had gotten upset about something, much like Kai had a few weeks ago.

Kai then said, “My dad always tells me never to quit.”

I could hardly believe my ears. I actually had to check with my wife later to confirm that I heard that correctly. But, yes, that is what he said. 

What a revelation! I guess he sometimes listens to me after all.

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