Jaclyn's Death Leaves Two Families Grieving

Since the tragic Labor Day incident , Mayor Nancy Rotering and others have commented that there are two families affected by this tragedy.

It has been heartwarming to see the community unite in the face of unspeakable horror. . . Many more people have expressed their grief and sadness, on Patch and in other venues. My sincere and deepest condolences to the Santos-Sacramento family; it is often said that no parent should ever have to bury their child, especially not under such challenging circumstances.

Now that the driver , the sadness has turned to anger. Community judgement has been applied. She shouldn't have been driving, they say. She was a troubled child, they say. Her parents failed her and us all, they say.

I don't know the Roussos. Never met any of them, as far as I can remember. My wife has done some volunteer work at , where Carly Rousso's mother works, and my older daughter has taken some classes there. I have nothing but respect for the family's commitment to the community.

Within minutes of her name being released, Carly Rousso's limited online presence was being dissected for clues. Look at those pictures on Myspace, they said. Look at that tweet about drunk driver's education, they said. Look at her arrest record for marijuana possession, they said. Look, they said, those parents should have known, they should have done more.

That the Roussos are being judged for their parenting, by people who likewise likely don't know them, tears at my heart this week.

As parents, we all want the best for our children. Amongst the high standards of Highland Park, the pressure to be and do the best starts early. Waiting in line before dawn to get into . Worrying about whether preschool teachers are "good" or not. IEPs, Section 504 accommodations, dual language programs. In a community of achievers, the desire to raise another such generation drives exploration of every possible angle to position our children for sucess.

Again, knowing nothing of the Roussos, I am confident that these same community values drove their parenting of Carly. She enjoyed some of the spoils of affluent parents: travel, nice home, nice car. Many children in Highland Park and the North Shore have the same story.

Did her parents fail her, and us? Should they have taken different actions? I won't be the one to judge that. Having spent many nights agonizing about how to do the right thing for my own children, I know for sure that there are limits to what we can do as parents. Nature versus nurture, as it is often described. How much can parents do? How can we help a child who is already legally an adult?

Unfortunately, a family will have to eternally try to answer that question, for themselves, for a judge and jury, and for society. Will it set an example? Will anything change in Highland Park?

Whenever a major moment of grief passes, I have high hopes for the human race. Then I went to Starbucks one morning recently, and someone actually honked -- four times -- to try to get people to move up so they could place their order. I almost got sideswiped driving Green Bay Road as a driver switched lanes parallel to me without even looking.

Then I saw the , which my wife joined to represent our family. Hundreds of people who genuinely cared to grieve, honor, and move on. 
When my wife returned from the walk, she mentioned that had brought over carts full of bottled water to the memorial site. A simple act of human kindness. Maybe we will see more of these in Highland Park?

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