Yom Kippur: Not So Fast

Kugels are an important exercise Jewish women perform on a regular basis in order to keep their men happy. Well, maybe not on a regular basis, but at least around the High Holidays. And the more kids you’ve had, the more kugels you need to do.

Sure, to the untrained eye, Yom Kippur, or The Day of Atonement, is about deep reflection, making amends for sins against God, and about editing out every possible element that might distract one from the task at hand. The rules are severe: no eating, no drinking, no washing, no wearing make-up, no leather shoes, no sex.

It’s a lot not to do. Other than the deprivation of physical pleasure, it is distracting not to think about all we are not eating. Really, we could have a much better conversation with our Maker over a cup of coffee and a nosh.  Hold on, “Another latte please.” And honestly, He might be a little more forgiving if we could arrive in full make up.

Have we gone to hell yet? Just wait.

This Yom Kippur, let’s focus on the food. To paraphrase Jimmy Buffett, “It’s sunset somewhere.”

As a people, we’re not known for our small appetites. After all, our definition of a single serving is a five inch high Reuben. Deprive us of three square meals and we are more than a little peckish by the time Neiliah is recited.

So how much are the Chosen choosing to eat? Here’s the breakdown for this Yom Kippur weekend, according to Steve Geffen, the second-generation owner of delicatessen, and Gabriel Viteri, the VP of Strategy and Business Development at Acme Smoked Fish, the largest distributor of smoked fish in the country.

(Acme Smoked Fish? We’re not making that up. Who knew Wile E. Coyote was a member of the Tribe?)

Not so fast. To make it a little more fun, we’re presenting it as a quiz. Think of this as Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me, but the Yom Kippur version. We’ll call it, Weight, Weight, Don’t Tell Me, Fuggedaboudit, Tell Me!

1. When is it the worst time of year to be a salmon, aka Nova?

• A. Thanksgiving
• B. Easter
• C. Yom Kippur

2. How many pounds of Nova will Once Upon a Bagel sell this weekend?

• A. 400 pounds
• B. 4,000 pounds
• C. 40,000 pounds

3. How many pounds of Nova will Acme Smoked Fish sell during the two weeks leading up to Yom Kippur?

• A. 400 pounds
• B. 4,000 pounds
• C. 40,000 pounds
• D. 400,000 pounds

4. How many pounds of pickled herring will Acme Smoked Fish sell during the two weeks leading up to Yom Kippur?

• A. 2,000 pounds
• B. 20,000 pounds
• C. 200,000 pounds

5. Who even likes pickled herring?

• A. No one
• B. No one
• C. Your father-in-law.

6. If you have high cholesterol, should you attend a Break-The-Fast?

• A. No

7. Whitefish, or whitefish salad?

• A. What’s the question?
• B. Whitefish salad.
• C. By a lot.

8. How many eggs does Once Upon a Bagel order in preparation for the holiday weekend?

• A. 90 cases of 30 dozen eggs
• B. 2,700 dozen eggs
• C. 32,400 eggs
• D. All of the above

9. (Caution: This question contains carbohydrates.) If Once Upon a Bagel has 68 workers working 36 hours straight making 280 dozen bagels per hour, what time does dinner start?

• A. As the sun begins to descend into the horizon.
• B. As the last rays of sun sink behind the trees
• C. Not soon enough.

10. If you forgot to place your order, are you screwed?

• A. Yes
• B. No
• C. Not allowed on Yom Kippur

Answers:

1. C, 2. B, 3. D, 4. C, 5. A & B & C, 6. A, 7. C, 8. D, 9. C, 10. C

Curious to know more about how Once Upon A Bagel prepares for Yom Kippur? Check out the video by clicking the image above.

Download the movie