Back to School Anxiety

Did you feel it?

No, not the tremors from the earthquake that shook the east coast last week. I am talking about the collective sigh of relief from area parents as our kids went back to school.

"Back to school." For stay-at-home and work-at-home parents, these three words mean getting your regular lives back.  And for all parents, this time of year may prompt a bit of reflection on how your child is another year closer to becoming grown up and independent.

For us, though, in addition to all that, "back to school" brings a mix of feelings that are all rolled up into one huge ball of emotion. 

Anxiety about son’s behaviors at school

My son is a smart kid. He learned multiplication when he was five years old and is still a couple grade levels ahead in math. He has been able to read virtually since he has been able to speak, although he does struggle with comprehension. He enjoys learning new things, particularly in science class.

So, academics is not our major concern. But behavior is.

We are fortunate that we live in a community where our son can attend a public therapeutic school for kids with behavior issues. Some of the students there have autism, some have ADHD or are bipolar.  Most are really bright kids, but they all have challenges of one kind or another.

Kai has difficulty following directions and staying on task. He has gotten upset when things didn’t go according to their usual schedule.  Or, when he didn’t go first for a particular activity. Or when he got too hot at PE. Or when another student took off her shoes. Or for seemingly a million other reasons.

And when he gets upset, it is not like he will calmly say, “I am upset” and go on.  On his bad days, he may shout and disrupt class. He may try to pinch or hit the staff. He may do something to try to hurt himself.

The staff at school is trained to work with kids like our son. They don’t get upset when a situation arises. Rather, they know it is part of their mission. They act quickly to keep the children safe. They use their professional skills to get the students back on track. They teach and guide them so they learn from each incident, and try to keep it from happening again.

After severe incidents, we often get a phone call from the school letting us know what happened.  We appreciate the communication, but have come to dread hearing the phone ring whenever Kai is in school. 

The sound of the phone instantly triggers a fear that there must have been an incident. That conjures up a whole host of emotions. We feel guilt – surely, we must be bad parents because we cannot get our son to behave properly at school.  We feel frustration – why does this keep happening?  We feel discouraged – will this ever improve?

If we take a step back, we can see that Kai is making progress at school. But it is sometimes hard to see on the bad days.

And so, for us, "back to school" means a return of the worries we feel every day when we send our son off to school. 

The first day of school

On that first day, we were particularly anxious. Kai thrives on having a routine. Having been on break, he has been out of his school routine for a number of weeks. It will take time for him to get back on track, we figured. 

We were on edge every time the phone rang. But it was never the school calling. Still, you never know. He might have had a bad day, but not one bad enough to require a phone call.

When Kai got home that afternoon, we asked him how school went.  We always ask, but many times he doesn’t answer.  On this day, though, he quietly said, “good.” 

We opened his backpack and checked the sheet that the school sends home every day to let parents know about their child’s day. He had no incidents. He was safe all day. Perhaps you felt our heavy sigh of relief.

It is just one day. And we have learned that it is best to take things one day at a time. But still, it is nice to get the school year off to a good start. 

It gives me a chance to reflect. My son is now a second grader. Oh my!